This page serves as a comprehensive log documenting every attempt to locate a wild moose within the borders of New England.
Investigation Overview
Timeline of My Investigation
Phase 1: Complete Faith
Like most people, I accepted the existence of moose without question. Friends claimed they had seen them. Wildlife agencies insisted they were common in northern New England. Countless road signs warned drivers to watch for them.
There seemed to be no reason to doubt.
Year 1
Phase 2: The First Expedition
Armed with optimism, a full tank of gas, and unreasonable excitement, I set out for northern New Hampshire.
Moose Sightings: 0
Moose Crossing Signs: 27
Curious.
Phase 3: Expanding the Search
Perhaps New Hampshire was simply an off day.
I broadened the investigation to include Vermont and Maine, carefully visiting areas described by locals as "you'll definitely see one."
I definitely did not.
Phase 4: The Witnesses
Every conversation followed the same pattern.
"You should have been here yesterday."
Or...
"They're everywhere."
Or...
"You just missed one."
Every witness had a story.
None had a moose.
Phase 5: Escalation
Convinced that timing was the issue, I adjusted my strategy.
Dawn drives
Dusk drives
Rainy days
Sunny days
Scenic byways
Logging roads
Wildlife refuges
The results remained consistent.
No moose.
Phase 6: Following the Signs
The evidence became increasingly contradictory.
The number of "Moose Crossing" signs grew dramatically.
Actual moose sightings remained stubbornly fixed at zero.
This raised an uncomfortable question.
Who, exactly, are these signs for?
Phase 7: Statistical Improbability
By this point, I had:
Driven thousands of miles through northern New England.
Visited numerous "prime moose habitat" locations.
Received dozens of confident assurances from locals.
Seen approximately one million moose-themed souvenirs.
Still no moose.
At what point does coincidence become a pattern?
Phase 8: The Gift Shop Paradox
Every tourist town featured:
Moose mugs
Moose magnets
Moose socks
Moose ornaments
Moose chocolates
Moose-shaped pasta
The abundance of merchandise stood in stark contrast to the complete absence of the animal itself.
Interesting.
Phase 9: Independent Review
I revisited the available evidence.
Photographs were often blurry.
Sightings occurred primarily at dawn, dusk, or "just around that bend."
No independently verified encounter occurred during any of my investigations.
The case was becoming difficult to ignore.
Present Day
The investigation continues.
I remain open to changing my position should compelling evidence emerge.
Until then, I will continue examining the facts with an open mind, a full tank of gas, and appropriately calibrated skepticism.
Miles Driven: Increasing
Moose Crossing Signs Observed: Too Many to Count
Wild Moose Personally Witnessed: 0
Questions Asked: Not Nearly Enough